Friday, October 30, 2015

Weirdly Enough...

Having a platform like this should be ideal for me. Getting to sit here and complain about stuff while maybe having some people listen should sound like my sort of thing, but it looks like I don't even have the energy to be lazy anymore.

My dad seems to think that my grades are improving because I haven't been playing a lot of video games lately. But, honestly, most of the time that I would have spent playing video games just gets spent staring at the ceiling or something like that. Or, really, just internet browsing, but I can't really think of a clear effect that video games would have at this point in my life. The reason why I wasn't doing so well in school before College was because I just didn't care. I hated school. I hated High School. Fuck High School. Fuck Middle School. Fuck most of Elementary School as well.

But, yeah, I have changed a lot since those passing years. I wasn't exactly the kid that everyone had high hopes for whenever I started. That seemed to go towards my brother. I just know I got in trouble a lot at elementary school. It didn't help that I seemed to already be the weird kid the instant I started school. I have a lot of memories of being alienated and excluded. And, to be fair, yeah, I guess I was the weird kid and now, it sort of feels like I'm still that weird kid. I remember a someone having to explain to somebody else that I had a weird sense of humor, though, at the time, I think I was referencing Monty Python, so maybe that explains the whole situation. It's like growing up with a language that only you and a select few will understand. Not like a standard, more like a language scattered around the world that hardly anyone uses...something that somebody invented...maybe Esperanto.

So, when I went to college, did I happen to meet all of my dream friends? Did I finally come across people who know, "get me?" I see a lot of miracle stories like that where people can, apparently, finally open up by the time they get to college. And, why not? College is sort of diverse enough, I suppose. There are clubs, social cliques, it's easier to find the people you would like to get to know. But, weirdly enough, that hasn't really happened.

Certainly, I've met people with very similar interests. I mean, I actually got to visit a couple of people who had all the games I grew up playing connected to their TV. I got to play fucking Star Fox on SNES. But even if in that sort of social realm where I could make a reference towards something and they would probably recognize it, I still feel like we're worlds apart. We'll probably even agree on a lot of the same issues (though, I'll never bring up feminism to them because...that's sort of a bad word to gamers :/ ), yet...I guess I just don't know about these people.

Or a lot of people really. It seems that growing up being the weird kid doesn't exactly help with your social life. As a (-_-) Creative Writing Major, I've turned in two stories so far for my classes and, both times, the teacher mentioned that the main character seems confused by what's socially normal, though, I guess I can feel better that people in these stories actually act how normal people act except for the main character. Hell, the whole class basically agreed that, with one of my characters, you just wanted to kick him in the butt and do something about his life. Considering that I wrote the story basing it off of a lot of personal feelings and past experiences...well, I guess a lot of the feelings I have just aren't normal or something.

Anyways, my life right now is to just get through college. I'm really close to graduating and maybe I can even do it on time. But, my god, has it been such a god damn chore trying to get through it all at this point. I remember having a bit of a breakdown last year and just...well, I just don't enjoy school. I'll finish it for a BA, but, after that, I want to run away from it all.

Yet, in light of saying this, I'm interested in becoming an English teacher in Korea. So, I guess I'm not completely avoiding school. But, as a tutor, school is really different. And, since I've been to Korea, I know that my life was really different when I was there as well. So, yeah, it doesn't create an interesting story, but most of my life just seems to have been waiting for it to get better. I remember my difficulties during High School and my dad would always try to say to me that it gets better. And, to be quite fair, it has gotten better...if only for things to be...boring now? Not really saying I preferred it when I was being alienated in High School, but this all doesn't exactly feel better.

But, during my time in Korea, things were better. I actually met a lot of people I liked. I remember OkCupid(yes, I have an account there, but it's no longer really active, I actually did find someone online, even if she's away from me by an entire continent) telling me all of the countries that would be more compatible with me and Singapore was one of the worst for some reason. Well, I actually got along with a lot of Singaporeans during my stay in Korea. Hell, I got along with the Asians really well. In fact, most of the people who I connected with the most seemed to be from different countries, including England, Finland, Spain(yep, European countries, but that seems to be it, doesn't it?).

So, the solution was clear, just go back to school and hang out with all of the foreigners, right? Hell, I went back to visit my Korean teacher and, for a moment, while hanging out with all of these Koreans, it felt like I was back to what I was feeling in Korea. But, there seems to be something in this American air(or maybe Oklahoma air) that makes people fucking retarded...I mean, Okie-ish, I guess. Things that I've noticed with people from here is that we're all god damned liars. It seems like the more times somebody says "we should hang out" or "We should go have dinner or something" the less likely it will happen. How can you make a suggestion like that and never follow up on it? How?

But, now, it seems most of my comfort comes from talking to people I've met online. All of them are from different countries. If it's one thing I can say about learning Spanish, I've actually made good friends. Maybe we'll never have dinner together, but at least I have people I can talk to now.

So, yeah, kind of a long, ranty, stream of consciousness first post since forever, but...I don't know, I've just been feeling weird lately. With all of that, here's a smart person failing out of college.

He does a lot of great videos and he's very knowledgeable. Maybe he had a lot of responsibility issues, but it's just sad that it wasn't working for him and we have so much importance placed on these institutions.

I really can't wait to get out of college.

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