Friday, October 30, 2015

Weirdly Enough...

Having a platform like this should be ideal for me. Getting to sit here and complain about stuff while maybe having some people listen should sound like my sort of thing, but it looks like I don't even have the energy to be lazy anymore.

My dad seems to think that my grades are improving because I haven't been playing a lot of video games lately. But, honestly, most of the time that I would have spent playing video games just gets spent staring at the ceiling or something like that. Or, really, just internet browsing, but I can't really think of a clear effect that video games would have at this point in my life. The reason why I wasn't doing so well in school before College was because I just didn't care. I hated school. I hated High School. Fuck High School. Fuck Middle School. Fuck most of Elementary School as well.

But, yeah, I have changed a lot since those passing years. I wasn't exactly the kid that everyone had high hopes for whenever I started. That seemed to go towards my brother. I just know I got in trouble a lot at elementary school. It didn't help that I seemed to already be the weird kid the instant I started school. I have a lot of memories of being alienated and excluded. And, to be fair, yeah, I guess I was the weird kid and now, it sort of feels like I'm still that weird kid. I remember a someone having to explain to somebody else that I had a weird sense of humor, though, at the time, I think I was referencing Monty Python, so maybe that explains the whole situation. It's like growing up with a language that only you and a select few will understand. Not like a standard, more like a language scattered around the world that hardly anyone uses...something that somebody invented...maybe Esperanto.

So, when I went to college, did I happen to meet all of my dream friends? Did I finally come across people who know, "get me?" I see a lot of miracle stories like that where people can, apparently, finally open up by the time they get to college. And, why not? College is sort of diverse enough, I suppose. There are clubs, social cliques, it's easier to find the people you would like to get to know. But, weirdly enough, that hasn't really happened.

Certainly, I've met people with very similar interests. I mean, I actually got to visit a couple of people who had all the games I grew up playing connected to their TV. I got to play fucking Star Fox on SNES. But even if in that sort of social realm where I could make a reference towards something and they would probably recognize it, I still feel like we're worlds apart. We'll probably even agree on a lot of the same issues (though, I'll never bring up feminism to them because...that's sort of a bad word to gamers :/ ), yet...I guess I just don't know about these people.

Or a lot of people really. It seems that growing up being the weird kid doesn't exactly help with your social life. As a (-_-) Creative Writing Major, I've turned in two stories so far for my classes and, both times, the teacher mentioned that the main character seems confused by what's socially normal, though, I guess I can feel better that people in these stories actually act how normal people act except for the main character. Hell, the whole class basically agreed that, with one of my characters, you just wanted to kick him in the butt and do something about his life. Considering that I wrote the story basing it off of a lot of personal feelings and past experiences...well, I guess a lot of the feelings I have just aren't normal or something.

Anyways, my life right now is to just get through college. I'm really close to graduating and maybe I can even do it on time. But, my god, has it been such a god damn chore trying to get through it all at this point. I remember having a bit of a breakdown last year and just...well, I just don't enjoy school. I'll finish it for a BA, but, after that, I want to run away from it all.

Yet, in light of saying this, I'm interested in becoming an English teacher in Korea. So, I guess I'm not completely avoiding school. But, as a tutor, school is really different. And, since I've been to Korea, I know that my life was really different when I was there as well. So, yeah, it doesn't create an interesting story, but most of my life just seems to have been waiting for it to get better. I remember my difficulties during High School and my dad would always try to say to me that it gets better. And, to be quite fair, it has gotten better...if only for things to be...boring now? Not really saying I preferred it when I was being alienated in High School, but this all doesn't exactly feel better.

But, during my time in Korea, things were better. I actually met a lot of people I liked. I remember OkCupid(yes, I have an account there, but it's no longer really active, I actually did find someone online, even if she's away from me by an entire continent) telling me all of the countries that would be more compatible with me and Singapore was one of the worst for some reason. Well, I actually got along with a lot of Singaporeans during my stay in Korea. Hell, I got along with the Asians really well. In fact, most of the people who I connected with the most seemed to be from different countries, including England, Finland, Spain(yep, European countries, but that seems to be it, doesn't it?).

So, the solution was clear, just go back to school and hang out with all of the foreigners, right? Hell, I went back to visit my Korean teacher and, for a moment, while hanging out with all of these Koreans, it felt like I was back to what I was feeling in Korea. But, there seems to be something in this American air(or maybe Oklahoma air) that makes people fucking retarded...I mean, Okie-ish, I guess. Things that I've noticed with people from here is that we're all god damned liars. It seems like the more times somebody says "we should hang out" or "We should go have dinner or something" the less likely it will happen. How can you make a suggestion like that and never follow up on it? How?

But, now, it seems most of my comfort comes from talking to people I've met online. All of them are from different countries. If it's one thing I can say about learning Spanish, I've actually made good friends. Maybe we'll never have dinner together, but at least I have people I can talk to now.

So, yeah, kind of a long, ranty, stream of consciousness first post since forever, but...I don't know, I've just been feeling weird lately. With all of that, here's a smart person failing out of college.

He does a lot of great videos and he's very knowledgeable. Maybe he had a lot of responsibility issues, but it's just sad that it wasn't working for him and we have so much importance placed on these institutions.

I really can't wait to get out of college.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

My Post on Posts

So, as per usual, instead of doing anything productive...that's all I really have to say.

Do I really need to go on about not being productive? Like, I can fit anything right next to the first part of that sentence and it would not change in value as a sentence.

"Instead of doing anything productive, I decided to write on this blog"

"Instead of doing anything productive, I decided to take a nap"

"Instead of doing anything productive, I decided to not be productive"

Right now, there are some assignments I should be reading and a language I need to be studying, but dammit if I can motivate myself into doing those things.

Anyways, I don't really have much to say right now other than I wish I got to see others post on their blogs more often. Even if they are things I don't agree with, I like seeing what other people think about things besides how nice they think the weather is today.

(Oh, if you're worried that you said something I don't agree with, than yes. Also, it doesn't really matter. Write on your blogs, I like reading them. Honestly!)

Anyways, I might have something to talk about next time. It's almost spring break and stuff, so...yeah.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Are you Human?

So, after last week, I think I can officially say...

Fuck the Oscars...

Anyways, I remember seeing a couple of videos that was a supposed test to see if you are a human.

Now, really, I'm not sure why one would need a test for that because...well, you're either a human or you're not. But I do get that these videos are humorous, relatable observations that all humans share. Hell, George Carlin did the perfect one of these. I mean, he points out things that even I can relate to. But I do realize that a lot of these relatable moments are things that are caused by the human brain or how our body works. The reason why we always seem to think there's that one extra step that isn't there is because our brain is really bad at paying attention.

Take these questions from a blind person who wonders what it's like to be aware of so many things based on having sight. A lot of answers to these questions is that...well, we don't use our eyes the way he might think we do. Our brain is constantly trying to keep track of stuff and it's constantly editing out things that we don't find important. We don't know where everything is in a room, we just know where the things we usually use are. It explains why you place something down and then can't remember where you put that thing by the time you really need it.

But, then there are the questions from Zefrank's test and a lot of these questions are over things that just...never occurred to me because...well...why would it? There are three videos in this series and...I have failed all of them. But, maybe we can go through each question and figure out why I failed.

I'll just do the first video because it's going to get long really quickly. I'll make part II later.

When in high places, do you worry that you just might jump?! Maybe I'll worry that I'll fall, but why would I jump? That's just...not smart...

When speaking to someone, do you sometimes wonder what would happen if you just slapped them?

Is this something that people really think? I don't get the point in this...

Have you tried to unlock the front door of your house with your car key remote?

The embarrassing thing is that I discovered this video the first time I've done this...I felt so stupid. But it makes sense why I did that. I wasn't paying attention and I just...well, yeah. 

So, there ya go! 1 point!

Do you sometimes have to find the perfect angle for your alarm clock before you can go to sleep?

I don't use an alarm clock any more...and, during the time I did have one, I'd usually just have the damn thing face down so it wouldn't light up the room. I'm trying to find a way to get rid of every light in my room for bedtime.

Do you seem to lose your boarding pass a hundred thousand times while simply walking from security to your gate.

I usually put something important like that where I can easily find it, though I can understand.

Have you put on a pair of pants and then realized there's a sock inside of them balled up against your leg.

Hm. This is bound to happen when an entire society puts pants and socks in the same set of laundry. Any sort of species that uses socks and pants are going to run into this. It just happens.

We're up to 2 points now, though.

Sometimes, when you're going to the left, do you turn right because it's easier?

Sometimes, this is just something I have to do. I didn't completely understand the question at first, but this is basically me realizing that I'm not going to be able to take a left turn because traffic is so heavy and I have to find another way.

Okay, 3 points now...

When a good friend tells you a story and forgets that they already told it to you, do you secretly question the entire basis of your relationship?

I just see this as people liking to talk...I'll never understand why. I was once in a conversation where the person talking to me brought up the same conversational point 4 or 5 times probably because nobody can stand "uncomfortable silence."

I really wish people would just not say anything if they don't have anything to say at all.

Do you make small involuntary sounds when you remember something embarrassing?

I'm not sure why we do this. Sometimes, I just want to kick my own ass for doing some of the things I did.

Okay, 4 points.

Does it kind of make you want to throw up when a cup is too close to the edge.

I'm not sure why I'd throw up over something like this, but, whatever.

Do you ever realize that you've been chewing to the rhythm of a song.

I see other people do it sometimes.

Have you ever caught yourself looking for an undo real life?

I don't look for one but I can fantasize about one though.

Have you ever purposely lower-cased the first letter of a text in order to appear disappointed?

I'm not sure why this would make me seem disappointed. Maybe I can understand doing this in order to seem more casual, but...well, I don't do that either.

When stopped at a stop light, do you trip out to the idea that the lives of the crossing pedestrians are in the hands of your feet.

Kind of a weird sentence there...feet don't have hands. If I do think about this, I don't really trip out about it. What I do think about is how deadly cars can be and we make sure people go through proper testing before we allow them to handle cars.

Why is it so offensive that we suggest the same thing for guns?

Do you ever check to see whether your water is boiling and then realized you never turned the stove on?

I haven't done this...not yet at least.

Do you secretly get pissed off when somebody re-presses and elevator button that you already pressed.

I'm not sure why I would. People like to push buttons.

Do you feel unnaturally good when a waitress calls you honey or babe?

Jokes on you! Not even waitresses are willing to call me something like that.

Do you sometime daydream what people are going to say at your funeral.

Kind of a weird one. I've pictured a funeral a couple of time, but I seriously have no idea what people would say about imagination cuts off right there.

Have you on multiple occasions researched how you could block someone from texting you on your phone?

Honestly, I've never felt the inclination to do this. And, even if I did, I doubt I research it more than once.

Have you ever been secretly proud that you were the first person to clap at the end of a performance?

Sometimes it takes initiative to get people to clap. Sometimes, clapping doesn't even the the rest of the people to applaud. I'm not sure what to think about this.

Have you ever sneezed and then smelled the tissue?


Have you ever flipped off another driver only to realize they were trying to tell you that your lights were off?

Actually, there was one time when me and a car in front of me were stopped at a traffic light. When the light turned green, the person in front of me wasn't going. I gave him a light honk only to see him flip me off. I then see the firetruck rushing pass me and realized that, yeah, there was a reason to why he stopped.

It was pretty funny though.

Have you ever deleted all traces of someone from your phone and then changed your mind and then were to embarrassed to admit that you never memorize their phone number?

I once deleted a friend from a Steam account...only to friend him back. I've never actually deleted a number, though I might need to clean up space.

Have you ever researched how to send anonymous e-mails because you wanted to send something mean?

I didn't even need to research that...I just did it.

Have you ever lied about something stupid, something there was no reason to lie about, and then spent the rest of the day wondering why you did?

I'm not sure why I'd do that.

Have you ever worried that, one day, you're going to freak the hell out?

So, I'm going to freak out about freaking out?

I mean, I've freaked out before but I don't spend time thinking about it. Usually, I'm too busy freaking out about the thing that's freaking me out.

Whew, that was a lot. So, my final tally is 4 and the passing score is 5.

Just one point away. But, I think that's my point. A lot of these things are just things I don't even think about and I'd feel that I'd be wasting my time just thinking about them.

But, if you think this is bad, the next two tests are ones where I score even worse. But one of them kind of isn't relevant to me and the other is...well, like I said, I might do part II later.

So, how did you do?

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Oscar Predictions (and Blunders)

Oscar time? Okay!

So, I'm going to go down the awards that I care about or feel like I'm okay talking about and then I'll tell you what I think should win. Got it? Okay.

Best Actor: Benedict McCumberbuns(The Imitation Game)

If The Imitation Game isn't going to win Best Picture, then Sir Sherlock Holmes is bound to win this award. Why? Well, he plays in a Biopic set in WWII about a guy with a mental disorder who happens to be gay.

This is just pure Oscar Gold, isn't it?

Real Best Actor: Jake Gyllenhaal(Nightcrawler)

What? Were you expecting me to keep to the nominees?

Well, I'm not. One of the weird things The Oscars keep on doing is overlook a lot of special achievements or at least the things that are more interesting. And Gyllenhaal's performance in Nightcrawler? It's nothing quite like anything else. Granted, the script helped a lot of this performance, but there isn't going to be anything quite as fascinating as the performance Gyllenhaal gives.

Best Actress:....

Honestly, this is kind of a toss up for me. Meryl Streep isn't here to ruin everything this time and, honestly, I've only seen one of the movies in this line up.

Real Best Actress: Rosamund Pike(Gone Girl)

Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl was something else entirely. She gives this weird, creepy effect that's not dissimilar to Gyllenhaal's performance, but also not quite like anything else.

I won't give away anything for those who have still not seen it, but you really should!

Best Support Actor:....

Yeah, kind of at a loss here as well. I've only seen Boyhood of all these movies and honestly.

Real Best Supporting Actor: Dave Bautista(Guardians of the Galaxy)

There was only one actor this year who could deliver the line "Never call me a thesaurus" and have it be the best thing ever.

Honorable Mention: "I am groot!"

Best Supporting Actress: Meryl Streep(Does it matter which movie?)

I'm not as confident in this prediction, but let's just see what happens.

Real Best Supporting Actress: Rosario Dawson(Top Five)

Weirdly enough, yet not too unsurprisingly, The Oscars came up pretty short when it came to racial in, there isn't any. The only reason why Selma made it as a nominee for best picture was probably because The Oscars were starting to realize how white the whole thing was looking.

Anyways, Top Five was a special kind of movie and Rosario Dawson really made it her own here.

Best Animated Feature: Some movie that isn't going to be The LEGO Movie

Real Best Animated Feature: The LEGO Movie

Maybe The LEGO Movie proved to be a little too critical of everything to make anybody feel comfortable putting this in as a nominee. But, of all the things that make me not respect The Oscars as much as people think I should, this one is it.

Best Director: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Holy crap you guys! He made the movie look like it was all done in one take. Unbelievable!

Real Best Director: Wes Anderson (The Grand Budapest Hotel)

Yes, I'm a Wes Anderson fan. Yes, not everyone is going to like his style. But, damn, even with all of the Wes Andersonisms in his new movie, there's still just isn't anything quite like it.


It's really hard for me to pinpoint just one thing as being "The Best" Sometimes, there are some things that make me go "Yeah, this is the one" but a lot of times I'm more like "Damn, guys, it's all good"

But there's nothing quite like The Oscars giving a nominee to American Sniper for...anything.

Like, best Editing? Are you serious? Did we watch the same movie? Find any kind of generic action flick and you'd still have one that was better assembled than American Sniper.

Oh, it's up for Best Picture now?


I've written a review for the movie, but I'm holding off on it until the damn movie has done any real damage.

Best Picture: The Imitation Game(Maybe)

I'm not in the biggest crowd for this prediction. Anything I have to say about why I'm predicting this movie has to do with what I said back when I talked about Benedict CumberMcHandy.

Others are predicting Birdman or Boyhood.

Boyhood seems more likely, but we'll see.

But, man oh man, if they give it to American Sniper....

Real Best Picture: The LEGO Movie

Nothing, nothing, is going to be as big and as bold of an achievement as The LEGO Movie. Usually, when I talk about best picture, I understand why my favorite movie isn't going to get mentioned.

I guess it might be too much for me to expect anything like Scott Pilgrim or The World's End to get more "professional" recognition outside of certain cult followings.

But, damn, The LEGO Movie? Not even up for best animated feature? Only gets a mention of that one catchy song?

I just dunno.

Anyways, yeah, as you might expect, The Grand Budapest Hotel would be my choice if I was restricted to just choosing the nominees but I think the most important film to win would be Selma.

Wouldn't that be something?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

What do you sound like?

Recently, I've been on the path of language learning and it's all this kid's fault. But it all more or less started when I thought I had an opportunity to go to France and Germany and I found a program that would help me learn German. Why did I chose German over French at the time? Maybe because most people have a vague idea of wanting to learn French and it's the more popular language. I mean, at least they were the good guys during WWII thought nobody thinks they really did anything(isn't stereotyping fun?).

But, the short answer is that I don't know. I have these weird inclinations to just learn things that don't really seem to help. I obsess over these weird things. It seems like everything I know is completely trivial to my every day life but it certainly helps me at trivia games.

Anyways, ironically, I think I know more French than I do German at this point but I haven't been actively studying those languages in a while though I do plan on continuing with them eventually. What I have been learning? Korean! After one arduous semester and one month of learning this language, I can officially say that Korean is my 3rd best language...though I still won't be able to hold a conversation. Half the battle was finding the right resources for learning and, after searching, I finally found a good learning site. Plus, with the help of my teacher, I think I'm going to be able to learn it fairly least slightly more quickly, but I'm optimistic.

My second best language is Spanish. Yeah, most Americans are going to know "a little Spanish" but I speak it a lot better than the average American. I'm at an intermediate level with the language and can hold a very basic conversation. It's going to be a boring conversation though which sucks because how many times can anyone talk about the weather before they realize it's the most boring thing to talk about ever?

Well, apparently, for a lot of you motherfuckers, there is no limit.

I think back to all of the things I had to talk about today and realize that my life depends on being able to explain concepts and being able to walk people through math equations or how to write an essay or how to understand biology. Then, the other part of my day involved talking about learning words and then talking about a Korean drama.

My problem is that my vocabulary is pretty limited so I can't talk about the things I like to talk about in other languages.

So, where is this digression leading towards? Well, basically, learning other languages has made me think a lot about how we speak our native language.

The first thing I noticed is that everybody is incredibly lazy at speaking there own language. And, really, why shouldn't they be? The reason why we talk in the first place is to get ideas and messages across each other. If you can say what you want in a way that makes sense even if it isn't grammatically correct, there really isn't that much of a problem.

That's why I'm not too hung up on the "there, their, and they're" problem. I honestly think it's this stupid languages fault for having 3 words that sound exactly the same and have completely different meanings. But, for those complaining, can you explain the difference between "its" and "it's"? How about when to use "who" or "whom"? When was the last time you've heard anybody use the word "whom"? It's use in grammar means that it should be a word we use everyday, but it's not because everybody ends sentences in prepositions.

You can cry all you want about it being the "death of English," but, if that's the case, good riddance. Oooohhh, you're getting sick of people misusing the word literally? We have to say figuratively now? "I just figuratively had a heart-attack" "I figuratively died when he told me that" " "My head figuratively exploded" You know what you should tell someone the next time they complain about people misusing the word "literally?" Tell them to go figuratively blow a goat.

So, even after all that, a lot of this has to do with which regions we're from anyway. We all develop a certain way of speaking. Weirdly enough, I'm a native Oklahoman, but I don't really carry that much of an accent. At least, I don't think I do. My brother tells me we have "standard" American accents and even my cousin from California told me that she couldn't really detect one on me. According to the internet, I have a Midwest accent which, apparently, is another way of saying that I don't really have an accent. However, whenever I listen to myself closely(after a get past the fact that I hate how high pitched my voice is), I do notice that the we I draw out words is a bit...ugh...okie-ish.

Not that there's anything (that) wrong with a southern accent, I just don't really like it on myself. I think it can sound decent on some people and even a bit sexy on certain people(when it sounds sophisticated, I think), but I would seriously prefer to have any other kind of accent. Even a Bah-sten accent.

Though, apparently, you do have control over your accent. That's why some people who speak English as their second language can sound more native to the US than some actual natives. Just ask this person.

So, yeah. Here was my fun thing to talk about. Next time? Eh, I 'unno. If anybody is willing to comment, watch this video I made and tell me what I sound like.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Fresh Strawberries

I was originally going to talk about something more fun, but I feel there might be a couple of things I just need to finally get out there.

I've been in a weird mood lately. I'm not exactly sad, I'm not exactly happy, I'm not exactly mad, I'm not exactly wanting to do anything out of some sort of passionate...ummm, thing(?), I've just been I don't really feel things anymore, at least, not in the sense as one normally feel things.

Some thoughts I have can really put me down while others and sort of stabilize me. But, now, I'm just right in the middle of everything. It's not a feeling of inner-peace or zen, something that sounds really nice, but more along the lines of just feeling defeated and feeling like there's nothing I can do about it.

Maybe it's because I'm missing something in life, maybe it's because I'm finding the most convoluted ways to excuse my laziness and not have to do anything about it, or maybe it's because Lenny Kravitz's "Fly Away" and The Bravery's "Believe" sound completely identical to me but there doesn't seem to be a way I'll ever be able to explain it to anybody, ever...

But, the reason why I'm writing this is because I've been thinking about that one line in "Believe" So, I'm not bringing up these two songs randomly(though, seriously, the songs sound too much alike for me.)

It's not that I particularly like the song "Believe" either. I think it's an okay song. When it appears on my Pandora radio, I'll listen to it all the way through, but you won't find me actively looking it up to be able to listen to it again. But, even in a midst of okay-ishness can lay something somewhat profound. And in the case of Believe, it's this line:

"So give me something to believe, 'coz I am living just to breathe"

If there's any sort of blunt way to express how I'm feeling, there's one way.

I was once asked if I were to write a book or give someone advice of 5 things to take out of life. The person asking me came up with 5 things off of the top of her head. Granted, I doubt her list is really something as rigid and structural as she might have liked it to have been, but her ideas all had a common thread of one singular idea. So, that is, at least, something.

I couldn't come up with anything.

If I were to talk to this proverbial person who was going through life, I would say and, in fact, have said "Good luck"

Not in the sort of "Sink or swim" sense or in the condescending "I know what you're doing is stupid and I'm not hiding my attitude of that from you, so here's my off hand comment in which I'm secretly saying that you're probably going to fail" but in the sense that what ever it is the person is looking for, I hope they find it.

There was another time when I jokingly said that a website I like to read was "my religion" to my brother and my brother decides to ask me what my "religion" was. Not in the sense that I follow some sort of theological system but more in the way of what I really believe in life.

Once again, I didn't have an answer.

Let me preface by saying that I don't follow a religion and I don't even really believe in a god. There could be one, but, if there is one, he or she or shklee is not the benevolent being we'd all like to think our god would be.

I'm not here to belittle anyone's beliefs and are free to disagree with my statements. In fact, I wish I did believe in some sort of deity that would give me some sort of meaning. So, why don't I? Well, it's because I just can't.

"But it's a choice, isn't it?" Well, yeah, but my mode of thinking just simply won't allow me because it's not really logical for me. 

There was a point in the first Sherlock Holmes story where Watson finds out that Sherlock didn't know that the Earth revolved around the Sun. It's not that Sherlock believed in a geocentric galaxy, it's just that he didn't care. And, honestly, why should he? Knowing that sort of information had no effect on his everyday life. He only cared about information that was relevant to him.

And that's me and my attitude towards a god, as in it doesn't matter. Some people might have a knee-jerk reaction and tell me that I'm going to hell and, while it's incredibly rude for one to tell anyone that, it might be true. I don't think it is, but, even if it was, is there any undeniable proof? If there is, I might just adjust my life accordingly, but, until or if we discover it, it's not something I want to really want to think about because it doesn't matter to me. While the difference is that Sherlock was ignoring something that was true, I'm not going to be thinking about something that we don't even know could be true. There might just be an outside force that is controlling everything I do without me ever realizing it. Some people might believe in something like that, but since we have no way of actually knowing, what's the point in letting that affect my life?

So, what does that leave me? Well, mostly Pragmatism and Logic, two things that leave desires, emotions, and beliefs out of the equation. I've even expressed a desire for us as humans to not have emotions in the first place(because, honestly, for me, I'm not sure if my emotions are really helping out anymore) and I was surprised to hear him say, with sincerity, "That would make us stop being human." of the most confusing concepts for me.

Not in the sense of what makes people "human." In fact, I'm okay with the technical definition of what makes something a human. But that's not really how people use the word. It's used in a way to give us this "sanctity of life" in that life is sacred...but it really seems like this is exclusive to humans. There are a lot of things in this world that are alive, these things have lives of their own, but most of these things turn up as food for humans. We come up with these weird and complex reasons to justify this means of living. People deserve rights because they are human. But why is it that humans deserve rights? If cows could speak to us coherently, they might have something to say on how we treat them. And, yeah, I'm saying this as someone who had a hamburger for lunch today.

As George Carlin said, we made up the sanctity of life. Why? Because we're alive. This might seem like a ploy to make humanity sound selfish, and, honestly, humanity is pretty selfish, it's not a bad thing. We came up with rights and a goal for equality because most of us generally like to not die and creating these things can maximize the not dying part that people really want. Most of us have agreed to not kill each other and that's a system I'm sincerely okay with. But to call these "natural human rights" just sounds incredibly bizarre to me. How are they natural? Where are they coming from? Do we really mean it's sacred?

And some people we use humanity as a way to make some people feel worse about themselves. "That person is a robot, void of any sort of human emotion", "Talking to him is like talking to an alien, very un-human." I've heard variations and sayings like that as a way to criticize something or someone, even from people who I really respect. I get the point of what these people are saying, but doesn't it just sound a little too demeaning? It almost feels like it's being used as a way to decide which people deserve rights and which ones don't. I know, it usually isn't, but, when I start thinking about the semantics and how people actually use it, I wish we came up with new terminology for it all. If there's at least one reason why I hope we get to meet aliens one day, it's so I never have to hear the term "humanism" again. Maybe we'll come up with a new term. Interplanetarianism.

Honestly, I can get behind that kind of word. 

So, what does that long though process I had have to do with how I feel? Well, maybe a lot of things.

If there's a reason why I'll take one side over another, it's because one side can just be stupid. If one side is coming up with insane conspiracy theories or using baseless information to hold on to their beliefs, I'm choosing the side that's not doing that. It's why I support feminism, LGBT rights, and race equality. Because the people against these things are ignorant and making up the craziest things to stay ignorant. Supporting these causes is a fight against ignorance.

But, then, stray thoughts start shooting through my brain. This line of thinking I have can also come with purposelessness. Once I've come to think in Existential terms, it's not hard for me to just start asking "What's the point?" I don't believe in any sort of divine goals for me, others, or the universe in general. I just believe it just is. Things happen without rhyme or reason. Events occur due to circumstance. It really is possible for the world to keep turning without the people ever really progressing towards some sort of singular goal. If only I did believe there was some external force to guide things along in the right direction.

There was a time in my life in High School where I was really sure that I wanted to be a musician. I had my own band for a while, I constantly dreamed of being on tour and performances, and it was really something I felt like I could do. I had a passion, but, somewhere along the way, that passion died right before I left High School. Ask High School me what I believed in and I probably would have come up with a definitive answer, especially after watching The Dead Poet's Society or finding a lot of internet things that tell me to just do what I love.

But what do I love anymore? There hasn't been a lot to really "spark my fire" or to make me think about what I'd love to do in life. There are things in the past that I have liked doing, but I'm not sure if I can find myself doing it for the rest of my life. Or even maybe something I'd like to keep on doing for a while. I'll get temporary enjoyment out of things, but nothing seems to prevent me from thinking that it all just doesn't really matter.

Maybe it's not something I want anymore. A lot of the elated feelings I got also came with an equal amount of lows, and I just hated experiencing them. They didn't help me appreciate the good times, my mind just thought about every crummy little thing that has happened to me. So, just after so much pain, I guess I just decided to shut down. No more emotions, but it seems to be the thing that was driving me to do...well, anything.

Maybe, some day, I'll find something. After some incredible missteps of how I started going into college, I eventually learned about other things I could be able to do. It would have been nice to know about these things back in the beginning, but if it hadn't been for these missteps I wouldn't be on my current pursuit in the first place...probably, I really don't know.

Life is circumstantial and it is what you make of it. I'm not sure what to make of it anymore, but I hope I can find a reason to keep going again.